This afternoon I have finally decided to STEP-UP and shoot for my dreams. I have been holding back. Actually, I have been holding back in a BIG WAY. Most days, for the past 4 years I have felt like everything was going to work out somehow. I never really knew how, however, I felt that this “positivity” was a good thing.

I guess it kept me going through the bad times, but really thinking that everything is going to be ok tomorrow or next week was actually just another ploy. I realize now that was using it as an excuse to hold me back. I have been continually playing out the same patterns of success and failure to keep myself comfortable, never trying too hard for fear of mucking up again, just playing it safe.

People Always Want to Know How to Make Money Online

We (My husband Mike and I) have managed to achieve a 6 figure income from online business’ several times but never managed to rise above this point. We have tried things like Ebay and reached £30k per month, web design and computer programming and even making our own social media network before Facebook or even Myspace came on the scene. However, something (fear) has always held me back from going all the way and making real money online.

Contrary to popular belief, this “fear” that has been holding me back is not “False Evidence Appearing Real”, it was actually VERY REAL. I have come to the conclusion that motivational videos can be either great or completely toxic. Depending on the person you are talking to. I used motivational videos to inspire me to work non stop and sleep just 2 hours per night (which was a seriously bad idea!). I learned the hard way, that there is no one-size-fits-all approach that actually works. Especially when it comes to working hard to achieve success!

You see 4 years ago my whole world changed

I tried so hard that I fell flat on my butt,  I ended up in the hospital for almost a month at Christmas time and this led to us going bankrupt.

Boom, now that was a hard fall!

Really… things could NOT have gotten any worse. Well, I suppose, the fact that I was chronically ill and had to rest and could not do any work to support my family was the cherry on top. I used to run the sales and account management side of the business for my husband. Also, I home educated the kids and ran a few other online enterprises.  That was until I burned myself out – well and truly.

Fear & Trauma Held Me Back

This left me feeling really butt-hurt and has become a massive hurdle, preventing me actually going for it again. This “fear of going for it” is actually very real. Despite what many motivational coaches/ speakers would have you believe. 

The reality is that I don’t want to go there again. Those were dark times, rock bottom times that I would like to keep well and truly in the past. Therefore, I have been playing it safe for the past 4 years in a hope that someday things will work out the way that I want. However, deep down, I knew that there was no way that my life was going to work out the way I wanted it to – without me working on it.

After a great deal of thought, I have decided that the issues that I have been facing stem from a traumatic childhood. This was not helped by the fact that I was thrown out on the streets at the age of 16. That was 24 years ago, I know, and I have been trying to forget all about it. But the truth is, these things leave deep routed scars. These scars will then impact your decisions going forward. Therefore changing the direction of your whole life. Well, that is how I think about it anyway!

So I am left with a tonne of scars from all sorts of trauma. I don’t blame anyone for them, they are just there. From my parents splitting up when I was two, my mother drinking heavily and being hurt and broken herself, being thrown out at the age of 16 in my stocking soles, shoeless and penniless. I now accept that these things have given me both scars and some degree of wisdom.

Deep down I was crying all along

All of the little things that happened seemed to pile up over the years. I have always been super positive. But now I realise that was a crutch. Deep down I was crying all along. My inner child, the baby Rowanna, my soul or whatever you want to call it was very, very sad.

I piled smiles and love on top of the pain, and thought that the pain no longer existed. That was until I pushed myself so hard that the veneer cracked.

Me: I have been in hospital, sorry I have not been in touch

Sarah: Oh, I am so sorry to hear that, are you ok now?

Me: Not really, I am really weak and emotionally not so great. I worked myself into the ground and am a nervous wreck

Sarah: I know exactly what you are dealing with

Me: Really

Sarah: Yes, the same thing happened to me a few years back

….. and now comes the life-changing part…

Sarah: Have you ever heard of “leaky gut?”

Me: No? what is that?

Sarah: I found out that a lot of our issues can stem from holes in our gut that are stopping our bodies from working correctly

Me: Oh I will have to investigate that…

Leaky Gut Syndrome, Anxiety etc…

This became my new focus and it led me on a winding path to successfully getting off the medication and reclaiming my health (slowly but surely).

That call changed my life. I had found the answer. I set off on a mission to find out what this leaky gut actually was and how it could possibly be affecting me and my life in such a huge way. What resulted was a year-long Youtube binge marathon. I couldn’t really go out anywhere because I would have such severe anxiety attacks that felt like they were going to take me right back to the quite scary Aberdeen Hospital. My experience at the hospital was frightening, to say the least! But that is a story for another day.

I ended up finding an online nutrition school in America called IIN…

That was amazing. We couldn’t afford the $7k fees, because, well… we were bankrupt.

However,  IIN offered a $150 per month option. That November my husband kindly said he would pay for the course monthly for my birthday present. I was over the moon and embarked on a whole new chapter of my life. I thought I could help others with the information I learned there. The health coaching course was brilliant. I met many friends and arranged online meetings that really helped me to recover.

The result was that I had quite a few people ask me to coach them. I did this gratefully, however it was never the outcome that I really wanted. I had just wanted to heal and to write about my journey to help others. Meeting people online has been nice. But there has always been a burning feeling that I am not doing the right thing. Oh, and I forgot to say I couldn’t finish the whole course because we couldn’t afford it.

Anyway, it makes sense that I would focus on nutrition to heal others. However, now I am better I really want to focus on me again. I want to step into the path of my own dreams. Combining art, writing and the digital space to help others with their online brands.  After Art school, my husband and I got into the internet world in its infancy. I love the fact that we can interact worldwide. He has been a self-taught computer programmer for almost 2 decades now.

Back in 2014, I planned to really go for it, to build the life I truly desired.  However, I got completely distracted and taken off course, due to getting chronically ill, leading to bankruptcy. That seriously messing up everything!

So, now I am going to go for it…

I am going to be strong and put the past behind me. It is now or never – time to bounce back! I am not getting any younger, as I write this I am approaching my 40th birthday. No doubt problems will still crop up (they always do). However, now I fully understand the importance of a balanced lifestyle. I don’t want to hide any longer. It is time to get out there and enjoy life. I hope to document my new journey to inspire others to live a life that they truly love.  Please like/ follow me on my new journey. Your support means a lot to me.

All My Love

Rowanna x

P.S I have just set up a new Facebook and Instagram account. My target is to grow it organically to 1000 followers in just one month. Please like and follow to see how I get on!